Forever Expecting


Expecting 3

When you know that a big change is coming, life’s daily features take on new colors.  There is a new gravity to the actions and words you choose.  I felt similarly years ago when I decided to move away from my childhood home in Buffalo.  The last few months at home I was playing out the time, making the last moves in a long game that was coming to a conclusion. I had no idea what lay ahead of me in Michigan or how much my life would change, but I knew that I would never be the same.

Preparing for a change like this tilts the whole landscape.  I remember the first time I pulled into my own driveway after finding out I was pregnant (after having been away from home for a week).  Like a garden after a thunderstorm, my house was the same place it had always been, but it had taken on a surreal quality to my eyes, lit by a strange new light.  (Paul Simon’s lyric comes to mind “Nothing is different but everything’s changed”)  I suddenly wanted to fix it up – paint the shingles and get a new roof.  I wanted to take better care of our garden and bleach all the corners of the floors.  All these thoughts rushed in at once as I turned off the car.

I love that pregnancy is called “expecting”.  To expect is to hope, but it’s more than that – it is to believe that what you hope for will surely come into being.  Expecting allows little room for doubt.  I mean, there are plenty of details to doubt and worry about along the way, but the ultimate conclusion is pretty well set.  Whether I am ready or not there will be a baby when the hourglass drops its last grain of sand.

Life during these times of expectation becomes a countdown.  All you can do in the meanwhile is live out the days in the glow of what lies ahead. To be pregnant (pregnant with expectation) is to be obsessed.  Suddenly every action, every decision, every bite of food and sip of drink is weighed and measured by a new standard.  It is an awareness that consumes every waking moment.  It forces us to live in the present, to be conscious, careful, and grateful.  Everything feels so temporary, which makes it feel so much more special.

I hope I can continue to carry this feeling forward long after my babe is in arms and my belly is back in shape (we are talking about hoping here ; )  I want to always live with this air of expectation.  Knowing that “This too shall pass” (good or bad) is all the more reason to tolerate life’s pains, to cherish life’s joys, and to always be looking forward even as our feet trudge through the hours of each passing day.

Maybe there are some new grads who can relate to this in their own way.  Or maybe you’re taking on a new job, moving to a new city, getting married, launching a new project, etc.  You are expecting, much like I am.  Let’s hold on to that feeling.

“Yet I know that good is coming to me – that good is always coming; though few have at all times the simplicity and the courage to believe it.” –George MacDonald

About ebirdsays

Singer, songwriter and multi-instrumentalist for Nationally-touring band, The Ragbirds. I was born in Buffalo, NY, followed a boy to Michigan many years ago, then decided to stay. I live in Ann Arbor with my husband Randall (he plays in the band too), my daughter Aviva and our cat Bhya.

10 responses »

  1. Thanks, Erin, for this good perspective. I wasn’t always so patient in waiting – during pregnancy or other times. But right now I can apply it to my current transition. (Seems like my life always seems to be in transition!) We wait for our farm to sell so we can set off to explore other places. In the meantime, much work (sorting & pitching) awaits our attention. The expectancy does help the motivation.

  2. Thank you for sharing your journey with us! I too am pregnant with my first child, a baby girl, and tomorrow I will be 40 weeks. I can relate so much to your experiences and they help me to realize I am not alone in all my crazy thoughts! 🙂

  3. My baby will turn 30 Wednesday. After your baby is born you continue to expect as he/she graduates from crawling to walking, babbling to talking, getting on the school bus the first time all alone (you’ll cry, trust me) or watching them drive off in your car the first time after they get their license. Then they will graduate from High School and college. This is what we expect as parents. We give them life, not to run it for them but to guide them so that they can find out who they are meant to be. Enjoy all the little things and don’t be impatient waiting for the next achievement. It’ll all come in due time! Write that little one a beautiful song and share it with us, please?

  4. Erin! OMG, I had no idea. Congrats to you and Randall! I have had a real bad week at work, but this news just put a HUGE smile on my face!!!!!!!! I miss you guys SO much as it has been over a year since I have seen/taped you guys!


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